Advice on Love, Breakups & Personal Growth

**Break up or try to change him? I don’t know what to choose.**

Honestly, I’m leaning more toward weighing the pros and cons—after all, we’ve spent so much time and effort trying to make things work. What I can’t stand right now is his laziness. If we break up, it feels like all that time and energy we invested in adapting to each other will have gone to waste.

But if I try to change him, I’m afraid the success rate is too low. What if I spend several more years on this, get older, and when it finally comes to marriage, he’s still the same? My future would be even harder, and the effort just wouldn’t be worth the outcome.

All he does in his free time is play games. Things that other boyfriends do to make their girlfriends happy—thoughtful gestures, sweet surprises—he never does. When I ask him to do those things, he just says he doesn’t want to, for no reason at all. It’s like he genuinely has no desire to even try. God, it drives me crazy.

Other boyfriends know how to talk, how to flirt, how to say sweet things—like their words are dipped in honey. I see it all over my social media, and honestly, I’m so envious I could die. Meanwhile, my boyfriend can’t even be bothered to think. He doesn’t know how to comfort or sweet-talk a girl. Besides saying “kiss kiss,” he doesn’t say anything else. When I ask him to come up with something romantic, he can’t. When I ask him to post something about me on his social media, he’s too lazy and says he has nothing to post, doesn’t know what to say.

When I see things other boyfriends do to make their girlfriends happy, I show him and ask if he could do something like that for me. And he just says he doesn’t want to, can’t be bothered.

The thing is, what I ask for isn’t even complicated or unreasonable—it’s all pretty normal stuff.

Then I ask him if he could do things like laundry and cooking for me in the future, and he agrees so easily. But in reality, he’s not willing at all. Once, just to test him, I asked if he could wash a pair of socks for me. He absolutely refused. I tell him to learn how to cook—he says okay—but he never actually learns. I get the feeling that since he knows I can’t really check right now whether he can cook or do laundry, he’s just making empty promises.

It’s not like I’m asking him to wait on me hand and foot. I’m genuinely afraid that he’s all talk now—saying he’ll do laundry, cook, whatever—but later he’ll do nothing, know nothing, and I’ll end up being his maid, taking care of him like his mom.

I really don’t know what to do. The bottom line is he lacks follow-through. Tell him to do something, and he won’t do it. He doesn’t want to do anything—just eat, sleep, play games all day. And he knows how to play the system: if he thinks I won’t have a chance to check, he’ll promise anything.

I’ve been married for 20 years.
My older child is in high school. My younger one is still in elementary school.
And honestly… I am exhausted from this marriage.

Six years ago, I discovered his affair.
What I felt at that moment wasn’t just pain — it was complete emotional death.
I truly wanted a divorce.

He begged me to stay.
He apologized, promised to change, even wrote a written guarantee.
During the time we talked about divorce, he suddenly became attentive —
to me, to the kids, to both families.
He responded to everything. He seemed “present.”

Please don’t laugh at me.
Before the affair, I was already living like a widow —
no love, no emotional support, carrying everything on my own.

Ironically, it was his betrayal that made him *start acting like a husband*.
And somehow, I stayed.

For years after that, my life became a loop:
healing myself, then forcing myself to let go —
over and over again.

But deep down, I always knew the truth:
he never really changed.

He still loves being out.
The quiet, sneaky type — calculating, cautious, always afraid of being caught.
At home, though, he’s unbelievably lazy.
He never takes initiative. Never truly shares responsibility.

Today was the breaking point.

My child had an outside class and finished at 8 p.m.
I had to work late, so I asked him to pick our child up.
Instead, he went out drinking.

He completely ignored the situation —
didn’t pick up the child, didn’t arrange anything else.

I got home at 9 p.m. and called him.
He sounded drunk.
I could barely hear him — probably another “female friend” nearby.
Then he hung up on me.

That was the moment I collapsed inside.

I work.
I earn money.
I take care of the kids.
I hold this family together.

And he has never once *actively* shared the load.

I am so tired.
Emotionally tired.
Life-tired.

Men like this…
are they really that rare in this world?

My mom found a job as a server at a restaurant in a mall about a ten-minute bike ride from our home. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. He’s visited my place twice and met both of my parents.

This actually happened a few days ago, but my mom only told me about it today after she got off work. That day, she saw my boyfriend come in to eat with a group of his friends. When he entered, he didn’t notice her standing nearby, but she saw him. Even though his table wasn’t originally her section, she swapped with a coworker to serve them. While the boss wasn’t around, she even brought an extra bottle of juice to their table. She went over, called my boyfriend by his name, said the juice was complimentary, and quietly tipped him off on how to pay in a way that would save him some money.

Then one of his friends asked who she was. My boyfriend replied that he didn’t know her—maybe she was someone’s mom.

I think he was just embarrassed that my mom works as a server and didn’t want to lose face in front of his friends. His own family is pretty average financially, but a couple of his friends come from much better-off backgrounds, with parents who own businesses or shops.

After this happened, I feel like his character is really questionable, and I want to break up with him. But surprisingly, my mom is actually advising me not to. Should I end things or not?

I’m a 30-year-old man.
I’ve been married for ten years, and we have a 10-year-old daughter.

Lately, I’ve been wondering whether my wife truly feels any sense of belonging in our home. To me, it often feels like she’s just staying in a temporary place — coming back to eat, sleep, and go to work. When she’s in a good mood, she’ll buy a few things. When she’s not, she shuts down, gets upset over small details, and then gives me the cold shoulder.

Today was one of those days.

After work, I brought home a cup of milk tea. I put in the straw and called out to her, asking her to drink it. She was lying on the bed scrolling through her phone and didn’t respond. When it was time for dinner, I drank about half of it myself. Later, I asked her again if she wanted it.

She said,
“If you really wanted me to have it, you should’ve given me the first sip.”

I didn’t know what to say.

I also brought home an orange and gave it to my daughter, saying it was a special product from my company and very sweet, and that she could share it with her grandmother later. I think that moment made my wife feel forgotten again. Her mood dropped immediately.

These kinds of things happen a lot.

I’ve become extremely careful with everything I say and do, constantly wondering whether it might upset her. But even then, I still seem to get it wrong.

I earn about 6,000 a month. After paying 1,800 in rent, there’s barely anything left. I work too. I’m tired too. But going home doesn’t feel like rest anymore — it feels like walking into another test. I have to read her mood first and decide whether I’m allowed to talk, stay quiet, or just disappear.

She wants me to constantly provide emotional reassurance.
But I’m not a very talkative person, especially with her. Our conversations often turn sharp. She speaks harshly to me, and sometimes to my mother as well, as if she’s carrying a lot of resentment. I’ve learned that talking usually leads to arguments, so I choose silence to avoid conflict.

To her, that silence probably looks like indifference.

Last month, she moved out once. I spent a long time apologizing and convincing her to come back.
Then money became the breaking point again.

I had promised to give her a monthly amount, but after my father passed away, my finances collapsed. I even used credit cards to get by. When she asked how much debt I had, I told her the truth. We had a huge argument on the night of the Mid-Autumn Festival, and she packed her things and left again.

It’s not that I don’t want to give her money.
I genuinely can’t.

Sometimes I sit alone and ask myself:
Does she no longer love me?
Or am I simply failing as a husband?

All I know is that I’m exhausted.
So exhausted that some days, I don’t even look forward to going home after work.

I’m not writing this to blame anyone or to seek sympathy.
I just needed a place to finally say the things I’ve been holding in for years.

If you’ve read this far, thank you for listening.