What Happens in a Sexless Marriage?

Recently, I came across a revealing set of data. A 2000 study by the renowned Chinese sexologist Pan Suiming found that more than 28.7% of married couples in China had sex less than once a month. More recent data from 2020 shows that this figure stood at 19.9%, indicating a persistent, though slightly improved, pattern. 

This phenomenon, however, is far from unique to China.

Sexless marriage has become a globally recognized topic. For instance, a 2018 U.S. study reported that 15% of married individuals had no sex at all in the past year, while a 2017 survey in Japan found that 47.2% of couples were in a sexless marriage. 

The rise of such marriages reflects the increasing complexity and diversity of intimate relationships in modern society. This leads to a crucial question: 

What happens when a marriage enters a sexless state?”

Four Types of Sexless Marriage

There are different definitions about what constitutes a sexless marriage:
Some researchers believe that a marriage is sexless if there is a lack of sexual intimacy for a year; another definition suggests that a marriage is sexless if there are fewer than 10 sexual encounters in a year.

Sexless marriages can be categorized into four types based on their causes:

1. Mismatched Definitions Type: The couple has different understandings of what “sex” means. For example, some people believe only penetrative acts count as sex, while their partners consider hugging and kissing to be expressions of sexual intimacy.
2. Lack of Intimacy Type: There is an overall lack of closeness between the spouses, including both emotional and physical intimacy. In such cases, the couple may see each other as friends, roommates, or “partners in life” rather than as loving and caring spouses.
3. Lack of Desire (Mismatched Desire) Type: One or both partners lack interest or libido for sexual activity. This situation may be caused by physiological, psychological, or social factors.
4. Poor Sexual Quality Type: Although the couple has a sex life, the quality is poor, lacking passion and novelty, and it may even become mechanical and dull.

The Physical Impact of a Lack of Sex

Sexual activity is not just an important part of a close marriage; it can have a much greater impact on the physical and mental state of both partners than we often realize.

Missing Out on Sex Comes with Health Risks

Research indicates that regular, moderate sexual activity can increase levels of Immunoglobulin A (IgA), which helps to boost immunity. A study published in The American Journal of Medicine also found that, compared to those who had no sexual relations at all, heart attack survivors who had sex more than once a week were 27% less likely to die in the following two decades.

The Role of Sex in Hormonal Balance

Sex also acts as an effective stress management tool by regulating mood through its impact on hormones: it reduces stress-response hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, helping to relieve stress, an effect that can last into the next day. Conversely, sexual dissatisfaction can make emotional regulation more difficult, potentially leading to more frequent feelings of irritability and agitation.
After sex, the body releases oxytocin and endorphins, two chemicals that aid in relaxation and improve sleep quality.

The Psychological Impact of a Lack of Sex

Michele Weiner-Davis, author of The Sex-Starved Marriage, explains why a lack of sex within marriage becomes such a significant issue:
The importance of sex in marriage lies in the emotional meaning it carries—it’s about feeling wanted, loved, appreciated, and connected.
If one partner desires intimacy and the other rejects it, it can easily lead to feelings of psychological frustration for the one being turned down.
In one survey, participants described a range of reactions to the state of lacking sex within their relationship, which were almost universally negative, including: frustration, depression, feelings of rejection, and low self-esteem.

Why Does a Lack of Sex Undermine a Marriage?

Sexual intimacy is a form of emotional communication that fosters connection and a sense of belonging between partners. A sexless state can negatively impact a marital relationship in the following ways:

Diminished Conflict Resolution

Sex contributes significantly to relationship quality by buffering daily stress and enhancing partners’ well-being. Sexually satisfied couples often demonstrate better conflict-resolution skills, greater tolerance, and a stronger mutual attachment.

In contrast, couples in sexless marriages lack this relational “lubricant” during disputes and must also navigate the added tension caused by the absence of sex itself, further straining the relationship.

Erosion of Intimacy

Research indicates that in long-term romantic relationships, higher levels of sexual desire correlate with greater intimacy. Beyond intercourse, other forms of intimate interaction—such as deep conversation, touch, holding hands, and kissing—are vital for maintaining the marital bond.

When sex becomes infrequent, these other expressions of intimacy may also decline, leading partners to feel disconnected. This emotional drift weakens the couple’s bond, making the relationship more fragile.

Increased Marital Instability

Sex within a monogamous relationship reinforces commitment and emotional connection, correlating with lower divorce rates. When one partner still desires sex, its absence can become a potential catalyst for infidelity or breed suspicion and distrust, further destabilizing the marriage.

Even though the impact of a sexless state is often negative, there is no need for despair.

MAC to re-emphasize: A greater threat to marriage than the mere quantity of missing sex is the poor quality of communication and the feeling that one’s sexual needs are unseen or invalidated.

Furthermore, despite the common perception that a lack of sex is fatal to marriage, not everyone chooses to leave a sexless relationship. In one survey, 47% of participants opted to stay, feeling they still had an ideal partner and a positive relationship overall, aside from the lack of sex.

Fortunately, a sexless state in marriage is not necessarily permanent or unsolvable. Couples willing to work actively toward change can achieve greater sexual alignment and fulfillment, even while accepting certain physiological limitations.

A Way Forward: The “Good Enough Sex” (GES) Model

Fortunately, a sexless state in marriage is not necessarily permanent or unsolvable. For couples willing to work actively toward change, the concept of “Good Enough Sex” (GES) offers a practical and liberating framework to explore.

A significant concept in sex psychology and therapy, GES focuses on reducing the pressure for “perfect” sexual performance. It helps partners enjoy intimacy more easily by shifting the goal from achieving a specific outcome to embracing a shared journey of exploration and connection.

In practice, couples can try the following steps guided by the GES model:

1. Adjust Expectations: Accept occasional “imperfections,” such as underwhelming performance or less-than-ideal experiences, as a normal part of a shared sexual life.
2. Foster Open Communication: Discuss each other’s needs, preferences, and concerns without judgment. (If communication itself is a challenge, our guide on effective relationship communication offers a starting point.)
3. Cultivate a Healthy Sexual Mindset: Understand that sexuality is diverse. Intimacy is not limited to intercourse but includes kissing, touching, and other forms of physical and emotional closeness.
4. Accept Realistic Changes: Adapt to new ways of connecting as bodies and life circumstances evolve with age, health, or stress.

As long as both partners share a genuine willingness to connect and maintain open communication, a marriage can continue to thrive on a foundation of mutual appreciation, trust, and reliance. It’s entirely possible to unlock your own unique ways of expressing love and intimacy and to find a rhythm that works perfectly for you both.